His Fear is Our Fantasy

I always wonder what’s going on in my dad’s head. I mean, I think of myself as a pretty typical 21^st century sports fan, except maybe a little more passionate than some. And we just don’t agree on anything. Take the fantasy football issue. Since every single male in the country plays it, and loves it, I figured my dad would too.

But that’s what I always forget. He’s not like any other sports fan in America. And it’s really aggravating.

Now that my brothers are long gone from living under the same roof as me, there’s really no one logical to talk sports with. We got Ricky William Herman, the beagle, to fill most brotherly responsibilities – and don’t get me wrong, he’s a huge Dolphins fan – but he doesn’t speak very good English.

So when I see Brandon Marshall break a cornerback’s ankles, there’s no one else to get excited with me. And when I really want to see if someone agrees that Michael Bush is going to be a good sleeper pick this year, I’m out of luck. Maybe I’ll ask my dad, and he’ll respond with something as insightful as, “Is that Reggie Bush’s brother?”

When it comes to fantasy, I just think my dad’s afraid to try something new. Considering the fact that you can choose how much time you spend on it, there’s really nothing to lose. He wouldn’t have to spend more than a minute a week setting his lineup. He wouldn’t have to watch any other game besides the Jets (God forbid he watched football on a Sunday like everyone else instead of creating chores that really don’t need to be done). He wouldn’t have to root against the Jets, because he could bench all his players that face the Jets that week. In fantasy, you have total control. So there’s nothing to lose, and judging by its popularity, a whole lot to gain.

Like most NFL fans out there, I’m biting my nails and hoping that Roger Goodell decides to expand the season to an 18-game schedule. What could be better than two more Dolphins games? And what could top three more Sundays of following your fantasy players? Or should I say, what could be better than watching Mark Sanchez haplessly throw the ball around the field like an idiot, then watering the plants for the third time that week? That’s my dad’s view of a perfect Sunday.

- Robby

Fantasy Football For Me? Dream On . . .

The following is an actual e-mail -- verbatim -- from my oldest son, Matt (28), to my youngest son, Robby (16). Matt, you'll see, is trying to entice his kid brother into spending some time at the beach with the rest of the family by laying out a very tempting "itinerary" for the weekend:

FRIDAY
5:30PM: Matt purchases 4 fantasy magazines and 1 college football preview
5:50-8:50PM: Matt takes train
9PM-bedtime: Matt and Robby watch Mets, FNL [Friday Night Lights], talk fantasy

SATURDAY
10-11AM: Matt goes for run/bike ride (unless we decide to play basketball later)
11AM-1PM Matt and Robby talk fantasy, play kickoff game into waves
1-1:30 Lunch
1:30-5PM Same as 11-1, heavier on talking fantasy
5-7PM Play basketball or talk fantasy; watch Mets
7-8:30PM Get ready for dinner; talk fantasy

SUNDAY
10-11AM Wake up; breakfast; talk fantasy
11AM-2PM Talk fantasy; play kickoff game into waves
2-2:30 Lunch
2:30-5PM Talk fantasy; go in water

Think Matt and Robby are into fantasy at all? And it's not just the two of them. Greg, my middle son (26) -- as well as all of Matt's and Greg's and Robby's buddies -- are similarly obsessed. Take a peek at our gang down at the beach on a random summer weekend. You'll find me reading Blindness, Carol reading Olive Kitteridge -- and Matt, Greg, Robby & Co. studying ESPN Fantasy Football 2010, Pro Forecast Fantasy Football, and every other fantasy football guide known to man. Not reading. Studying.

Every day, at least three times a day, Robby tries to sell me on joining a fantasy football league. (Kind of reminds me of how he was when he was 9 years old and wanted a dog. Which, of course, he got.) The thing is, he won't let me into his league; he tells me there's too long a waiting list for that. And if I did join a league, I know all he'd do is make fun of my draft, and how bad I'd undoubtedly do week after week.

And besides, as I've told him at least a zillion times, I DON'T WANT TO JOIN A FANTASY LEAGUE! Here, for the record, are the Top Five Reasons I Don't Want to Play Fantasy Football:

(5) Right now, I only need to watch every minute of every Jets game. (Yeah, that's me in the photo -- with the Jet-head.) Aside from that, I have my Sundays free. But something tells me that if I had a fantasy team, I'd feel compelled to watch every minute of every game, like the rest of the junkies in my family.

(4) I have no idea how to do a fantasy draft, and have absolutely zero desire to learn. (Nor do I particularly feel like studying fantasy football magazines.)

(3) If I joined a fantasy league, Robby would look at that as carte blanche to talk to me incessantly about pick-ups, trades, injury reports, matchups, depth charts, weather conditions, etc., etc. Well, actually, he already does this now. He says, "You want to talk about fantasy?", and when I say no, he goes right ahead and talks about it anyway . . .

(2) I don't want any additional responsibilties. Even though Matt tells me I could get by spending just 30 minutes a week managing my team, that's still 30 minutes more than I spend right now.

(1) I never, ever, ever want to find myself in the position of even being tempted to root against my real team when they happen to be playing against any of my fantasy players.

In an overt jab at my masculinity, Robby challenged in an earlier post, "It's time to play fantasy, like the rest of the male world." Big deal. There are a lot of things males do that I could live without. Golf, for instance.

Although, come to think of it, I did actually start playing a little golf earlier this spring . . .

- Hank

It's Never Too Early...

I love the Mets. And I love fantasy baseball. And there's nothing like heading out to the ballpark on a warm summer night. Well, except for anything related to the NFL. In all honesty, I've heard enough about baseball being America's "national pastime", because it just blatantly isn't. As much excitement as there is at the beginning of April, it doesn't begin to rival the hysteria of an upcoming NFL season.

The difference, for me, between the NFL and the MLB, is that I'm interested in the NFL year-round, whereas baseball is only relevant during the season. And while it is physically impossible to watch a live NFL game in July, the next best thing is thinking about it.

It should go without saying that I have already purchased the ESPN Fantasy Football Preview Magazine -- I actually ordered it online before it was even available in stores. My parents continuously say that reading about the NFL in July won't help the outcome of your team in September. But they don't realize that I don't read the magazine for the purpose of helping my fantasy team. I read about the NFL because it makes me happy to think about it. Why limit the best thing in the world to 17 Sundays a year?

I recently told my brother Matt that I think about new Dolphin receiver Brandon Marshall literally every single day of my life. And it's true. And I'm not ashamed at all. Because as I sit here on the couch and watch Mike Pelfrey get shelled for the 7th straight time, and as I realize that the Mets are falling down the standings faster than LeBron's popularity ratings, I know that the grind of baseball will soon be replaced by the fun of the NFL.

Opening night is 52 days away. And I'll probably read at least one NFL article each of those days. I'll definitely be thinking about BMarsh at least 52 times. Because it's never too early to look forward to America's true pastime.

- Robby

What Do David Lee and Ty Wigginton Have in Common?

Enough already about LeBron, Robby tells me. And I'm fine with that. I'm happy for LeBron. I'm pleased that after all his soul-searching he saw fit to convene those hopeful little Knicks fans together at the Greenwich Boys and Girls Club and tell them he was "taking his talents to South Beach." I'm glad that he's decided to pursue his championship (ships, I guess we should say) with the Heat, a team that now has two of the NBA's top three superstars and three of the "Big Four" free agents from this year's super class. All they need now is Kobe, and there'd be no competition whatsoever; they wouldn't even have to play -- we could just hand them their rings. Truly a courageous "Decision" by the King.

I suppose deep down, what's really bumming me after all this is that the Knicks don't have D. Lee anymore. Last season I bemoaned the loss of Jamal Crawford and Zach Randolph, and in recent weeks I've been fretting about the imminent loss of Lee. My two older sons, Knicks fans both, would constantly berate me for being short-sighted. That you had to have a plan. And that the Knicks had a plan.

Okay, so now the long-awaited Summer of 2010 has come, and for all NBA purposes, gone -- and this is what the plan was all about? That we dumped any even half-way decent players we had? That we just went through two of the most dismal seasons in post-war history? That we didn't get LeBron? And that we spent $100 million on an "upgrade" for David Lee -- the only Knick who's done anything for the past two years -- except that the upgrade doesn't rebound nearly as well as Lee and scores a whopping three points more per game? (Oh, yeah, right -- his dunks are a little scarier.)

My immediate reaction to all this was that I'd just stop watching the Knicks -- but who am I kidding? I'm addicted. Always have been. If I watched Eddie Lee Wilkens and Hawthorne Nathaniel Wingo, and I watched the last two seasons, you know I'm gonna watch this year, too.

Hey, maybe Amar'e will make me forget David Lee. Let's face it -- I'm not good with change. My sons always remind me that I was inconsolable when the Mets got rid of Ty Wigginton to make way for David Wright. (My reaction may not have been quite as nuts as the juxtoposition of those two names makes it sound. After all, we did see both of them in last night's All-Star game . . .)

Over the last few days I've seen coverage of the Knicks new, post-free-agent-sweepstakes "core." And any way you slice it, we're gonna need a lot more help if 2010-2011 isn't going to be just like 2009, and 2008, and 2007, and . . .

Frederic Weis, are you out there?

- Hank

The (Amazing) Decision

Good for The King. After weeks of uncertainty and chaos, the monkey is off of LeBron's back. He's headed to South Beach to share a city, a paycheck, fame, and a basketball with D-Wade and Chris Bosh.

As I've mentioned previously, I firmly believe that LeBron doesn't owe Cleveland -- and certainly not New York or Chicago -- anything.

I think the way LeBron gave each team a fair chance to persuade him was graceful, and his decision was even better.

Athletes are often criticized for chasing the money. Others are berated for looking out for their own image instead of chasing championships. LeBron's decision directly opposes them both. In Cleveland, he could've had 6 years, 120+ million. In Miami, he'll settle for 5 years and under 100. In Cleveland, he was the team. He was the city. In Miami, he's just a part of it.

But the fact that he is willing to sacrifice all of that shows that the only thing he cares about is winning, and that is something that I wish was more common amongst athletes these days.

As for his next move, I think Bron should broaden his horizons. After filling one of his hands with rings over the next five years, he should hang up his sneaks and pick up some cleats. That's right, the NFL will be calling his name. Just think, he's already in Miami. Why not join Brandon Marshall to form the most athletic wide receiver tandem in NFL history?

Whether or not this pipe-dream for Dolphins fans comes true or not, there's no debating that The King has a nice little future ahead of him in Miami. I feel terrible for him for having to endure the horrible reaction that Cleveland "fans" are giving him. But in about 11 months, when he's hoisting a trophy, and they're hoping for a lottery ping pong ball to bounce their way, his sorrows will be forgotten. And he will finally get what he deserves.

- Robby

LeBron's Dream Team

You know something, Robby's right. Then again, Robby's always right. This is largely because he'll keep on arguing long past the point where any normal human being will lose interest and drop out, leaving Robby with what he wants -- the last word. He calls this "having heart."

But in this case, he has a point: Move on, win several championships, and be recognized as one of the all-time greats -- or stay put and never win a championship? Pretty much a no-brainer when he puts it that way. Totally logical. But what I'm trying to say isn't strictly about logic.

Robby said to me: I know you don't really believe what you're saying -- that LeBron should stay in Cleveland and lose when he has the chance to team up with, say, Wade and Bosh in Miami and win a ring for every finger on his shooting hand, and then some. What he forced me to admit is that my gripe isn't really with LeBron; it's with what's happened to the "conventional wisdom" in professional sports: Man, I haven't won a championship yet, and it's already been a few years? Damn, that's no good! I guess I'll just have to ship out with a bunch of my super-star buddies and start our own team.

You know what this whole ganging-up, monopoly thing reminds me of? It reminds me of the original Dream Team -- Michael, Magic, Bird, Sir Charles and Co. They slam-dunked their way through the Olympics, destroying their "competition" (a bunch of guys named Sergejus) by an average margin of 44 points. Real nail-biters. Great games. Was that fun? Yeah -- maybe for Michael and Magic and Bird and Barkley . . .

And that's exactly the kind of scenario we're looking at with LeBron. It's more like master-minding a corporate merger than building a team. You know what I'd love to see? I'd love to see all these guys band together -- and still not win.

So yeah, Robby, it's not the '50s anymore, but I still know a lot of guys who liked it better when championships were built, not bought, and when the season was more important than the off-season.

And oh, about fantasy, and your 3-run-rule? I noticed in your example, the Mets are up 8-1 over the Marlins, so it's okay for you to go for Hanley and your fantasy points. Now I may not have gotten an 800 in Math like someone I know, but 8-1 is a seven-run margin. What if the Metties are only up 4-1? You're still okay pulling for Hanley? If you call that being a Mets fan . . . I'd rather see you rooting for the Yankees.

- Hank

Happy NBA Free Agency!

Not to beat a dead horse about LeBron and free agency, but it is officially July 1. Knicks fans' calendars are done being Xed. LeBron is no longer contractually obligated to remain a Cleveland Cavalier. Now you already know my take on how he should make his decision, and unfortunately you were forced to read my dad's thoughts too.

But when you dumb it down, to me, it really just comes down this: If your job, your life, was playing basketball, would you want to....

A) win several championships and be known as one of the all-time greats.....OR

B) stay 6-7 more years on the same team that has never surrounded you with enough quality players to bring home the trophy.

And that doesn't include the chance to become a worldwide star off the court, which could only be made possible in a big market like Chicago, Miami, New York, or Los Angeles.

The odds are against me ever being in a position to make this decision, but hey, stranger things have happened. And I'm pretty sure I would lean towards option A.

Now, as for the fantasy sports topic that my dad brought up in his last post.

I am great at fantasy sports. There's no way around it. If you need some help for your football draft this summer, gimme a call. And I am obsessed with fantasy sports.

But I would never root against the Dolphins, even if there were fantasy implications on the line.

And I would never root against the Mets, even if there were fantasy implications on the line.

Well, that's not exactly true. Given that I'm not as much of a diehard Mets fan as I am a Dolphins fan, I created a rule as to when I can root for players against the Mets.

I call it the 3-run-rule. It allows me to root for players on my fantasy team who are facing the Mets if the Mets are winning/losing the game by more than 3 runs. If the Metties are up 8-1 over the Marlins, what's the impact of Hanley Ramirez stealing a base? Nothing for the Mets, but a lot for my squad. Why not have it both ways?

Anyway, I don't have to defend my fanhood to my dad, the "fan" who doesn't want his "beloved" Knicks to get LeBron so that Cleveland doesn't get its feelings hurt.

It's time to move on from that loyalty, or whatever he calls it. It's time to play fantasy football, like the rest of the male world. It's not the 1950s anymore, as much as my dad wishes it was.

-Robby